We can tell you that what happens in a marriage is
surprisingly predictable, and couples familiar with the emotional terrain
ahead are better able to handle the bumpy roads. Most experience five
stages, though the length of each may vary.
Stage One: Passion Prevails
Early in their relationships, couples typically
are head over heals in love. The emphasize their mutual interests and
the comfort they feel in each other's presence while overlooking their
differences. At no other time is their physical desire for each other as
intense. While in this stage of euphoria, they often decide to wed.
Stage Two: What Was I Thinking?
Reality sets in.
Differences in interest, perspectives, personalities and habits
become glaring. To make matters worse, sexual attractions begin to
fizzle. Ironically, couples are now faced with life-altering
decisions. Should they have kids? Who will support the family? Those
in second marriages face the daunting task of blending families and
coping with financial responsibilities of the past.
Survival tip:
Know that disagreements are inevitable. Take a class in building
conflict-resolutions skills. Stay connected by spending time
together, communicating and making a robust sex life top priority.
Stage Three: You Change
Couples spend the next few
years trying to get their spouses to change. When this doesn't work,
many face a fork in the marital road. Some divorce or have affairs.
Some decide to stick it out -- because of religious beliefs,
personal values, concern for their children, financial
considerations, or even fear of being alone. A portion of those who
stay together resign themselves to unhappy marriages, but others
begin to investigate more satisfying ways of interacting.
Survival tips:
Remember, all marriages have stormy periods. Seek professional help.
The sociologist Linda Waite says 86% of unhappy couples who stick it
out report being much happier five years later.
Stage Four: That's Just The
Way He or She Is
By now, couples accept
that they are never going to agree about everything. They find ways
to live more peaceably. Spouses more readily forgive and recognize
that they aren't exactly easy to live with either. Fights are less
frequent and less intense. Couples finally understand that one must
accept the good with the bad.
Survival Tip:
Don't rest on your laurels. Continue practicing the Three T's: Time
Together, Talk, and Touch.
Stage Five: Together , at
Last!
This is the payoff.
Couples have a shared history and a sense of accomplishment. They
appreciate rather than feel threatened by their differences. Their
children are older, and they relish the more relaxed opportunities
to reconnect. They've come full circle.
Survival Tip:
Keep yourself healthy and active so that you can enjoy the fruits of
your labor.
